Tuesday, September 30, 2014

RAW Report 9-29-14

Raw, live from Chicago, kicks off with the Authority. Stop me if you've heard this one before. Stephanie McMahon instantly makes this fun by telling the "CM Punk" chanting fans that they cheer for quitters because they are quitters. Paul Heyman interrupts because he's upset that Seth Rollins tried to cash in the briefcase. Seth Rollins shows up saying that the Authority had nothing to do with that, it was all him. He wanted to beat the best. Heyman eventually leaves after shaking Seth's hand. Seth is no amused by Dean Ambrose taking his briefcase on Smackdown, so Dean appears on screen and tells Seth to come get it. As the Authority head up the ramp, John Cena appears and they brawl. Pretty basic stuff but it was at least entertaining.

In the back, Triple H orders Joey Mercury and Jamie Noble to get the briefcase back, solidifying their role as the new age Stooges. After beating The Miz last week, and besting Cesaro on Smackdown in controversial fashion, Dolph Ziggler defended the Intercontinental Title against both men in a Triple Threat match to open the broadcast. This was your match of the night, right out of the gate, as Ziggler picks up the victory by pinning the Miz. Also, Damien Mizdow is life. He's everything. Noble and Mercury look for Ambrose in the back, but run into Rosebuds, Khali and Big E. I don't get it.

We get a creepy Wyatt vignette as they haven't appeared on television in weeks. This video only focused on Luke Harper. Strange and not in the usual Wyatt way. Damien Mizdow cuts a promo as The Miz, making Triple H laugh. He says that Mizdow's job is to make him laugh and books him against Sheamus later. He also jokes on Miz's straight to DVD film career, which is the pot calling the kettle black. Layla, with Summer Rae, defeats Rosa Mendes, with Natalya and Tyson Kidd in a dud. Nattie gets upset at Tyson for something on his phone, but I have no clue what. Meh stuff here.

#AmbroseLive is trending because he's out to steal the show. Isn't that Dolph's gimmick? Anyway, Ambrose doesn't like the merchandise stands so he steals from it and gives away merch. John Cena's doesn't get a great pop and he offers Sheamus' stuff for a quarter. He's offended that his merch calls him unstable. He has the line of the night by stating that Triple H sent the "Cruiserweight Division" after him. I seriously lost it. It gets lame as the Stooges come out, followed by Seth Rollins. Ambrose leaves the briefcase in the ring for him and has DXed it with green slime. Pretty childish and lame but at least Ambrose was hilarious.

On the pre-show, Mark Henry was being interviewed but was interrupted by Bo Dallas, whose new gimmick must be to feud with Rusev's leftovers. They have a match on Raw, and to continue his struggles, Henry loses to Bo. To a simple BoDog. There goes credibility. The Dust Brothers discuss the cosmic key and stuff in the back. Up next, it's Divas match number two as Brie Bella faces Cameron and Eva Marie. I don't think Brie is the best Diva worker, but even this is still an advantage in her favor. Nikki comes out and talks about how Brie quit last time they were in Chicago. Brie wins a relatively short match. I wonder when Bella vs. Bella is going down. The crowd "Yes"es with Brie, but if you watched last week's Total Divas, you couldn't possibly like her still.

SlaterGATOR is out with Mini Gator, to take on Los Matadores and El Torito. I guess they've moved on from the feud with the Bunny. Scratch that. The Bunny and Adam Rose come out, and the Bunny splashes Heath Slater. Former Raw Guest Host Jesse Jackson was in the crowd and he celebrates with the faces. Rusev and Big Show cut a promo that Lana is the best part of. Rusev has learned some English as he states that he will kick Show in the groin. I mean, I guess that works. A new record is set as we get our THIRD Divas match of the evening. To be fair, at least this one has the Champion. AJ Lee defeats Alicia Fox, who is apparently best friends with Paige now. Paige introduces her and is sporting her awesome new/old gear. They beat up AJ after the match, and yes, there were "CM Punk" chants.

The phenomenal Damien Mizdow is out for his match with Sheamus.Obviously, Mizdow doesn't win. I did catch a stat on Twitter after this match saying that it was Sandow/Mizdow's 20th straight loss on Raw. He went from holding Money in the Bank last October, to literally, not winning a match on Raw in 2014. Hulk Hogan comes out, brother. He's here for no reason except to talk about Susan G. Coleman, jack. Surprisingly, unless I missed it, he doesn't plug the WWE Network, for just $9.99, dude. It doesn't accomplish much. At all.

Main event time as Dean Ambrose teams with John Cena to face Randy Orton and Kane. Man, we need new main eventers. I'm not upset at Cena and Orton, but Kane is stale as hell. Especially considering he's in the best shape that I've seen him in since like the early 2000's, but his matches have been relatively bad. Ambrose and Cena win via disqualification but get completely taken out. Both men eat RKOs, Curb Stomps and Chokeslams. Interestingly, Seth Rollins is ordering Orton and Kane around. The show closes with that as the fans chant "Thank You Rollins" for Curb Stomping Cena.

For a Chicago Raw, which usually delivers, this was lackluster. I enjoyed the Seth/Dean stuff, even with the cheesy slime segment. The IC Title and tag match main events were pretty good. Most of the other stuff was just alright. Overall, tonight's Raw receives a 5/10.