Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Raw History: Episodes 13-14

Raw History
Episode #13
April 19th, 1993 – Mid Hudson Civic Center in Poughkeepsie, New York

Money Inc. is shown on a side close-up saying that the Beverly Brothers are ungrateful. The Beverly Brothers also do one, claiming they will bankrupt Money Inc. Two teams that I don’t particularly enjoy watching, challenging each other.

Razor Ramon vs. VirgilIt never fails to amuse me to hear how excited Vince McMahon gets for Virgil of all people. They open with some basic wrestling as Vince gushes over how Razor “oozes machismo.” Virgil gets two with a small package, which is the same way that Razor beat Bob Backlund the last time we saw him, at WrestleMania IX. Razor stops in his tracks to avoid a dropkick and he puts the boots to Virgil. He applies an abdominal stretch and I will admit that Razor probably had the best looking one of all time. Virgil attempts a rally and hits a second rope clothesline, but the crowd isn’t buying this. He misses his next move leading to the Razor’s Edge.

Winner: Razor Ramon in 7:13While this took longer than it should have, it wasn’t bad. Razor Ramon picks up more momentum and, for some reason, Virgil looked decent. **
The Giant Gonzalez w/ Harvey Wippleman vs. LA GoreYou wish that you could have a mustache like LA Gore. He is outside of the ring at the bell, so Gonzalez pulls him inside. I don’t expect this to last long. He does a clothesline and a terrible looking kick. He wins with a Chokeslam.

Winner: The Giant Gonzalez in 1:18Completely one sided. SQUASH.
A pre-taped promo from Luna Vachon airs. She says a bunch of stuff about “evil” and such, with her incredibly deep and raspy voice. She sounds like a 65 year old dude who smoked his entire life. Clips are also shown of their brawl last week. 

Art Thomas vs. TatankaDo we really need another Tatanka match? He just won last week. Art Thomas attacks at the bell as Vince McMahon claims that the person who defeats Tatanka will be famous. Well that person, spoiler alert, would be Ludvig Borga, so you were wrong Vince. Tatanka gets on the offensive though Thomas dodges an elbow. Tatanka starts to get hyped up and does his rain dance thing in between moves. Samoan Drop hits to end this thing.

Winner: Tatanka in 2:30Another relative squash. I’d be more okay with this if we didn’t just see Tatanka do this last week. SQUASH. 
Non-Title Match
The Beverly Brothers vs. WWF Tag Team Champions Money Inc.
Before the bell, IRS says he’s not giving any of the tax cheats in the arena an extension on their taxes. I always thought this made for an odd tag team. The rich guy and the tax man shouldn’t be pals. We get yet another attack before the bell and it’s odd that Vince blatantly says “I don’t think the crowd cares who wins this one.” Well, I get that they’re both heels, but this is a terrible plan. Ted and Beverly #1 start and do some of the most basic offense possible. The Beverly Brothers are in control, cutting the ring in half on Ted Dibiase. That’s odd because I would assume they want the crowd to cheer more for the brothers. IRS gets the tag and the crowd doesn’t care. More basic and boring stuff. Earlier, the referee didn’t see the Money Inc. tag and made IRS go back out, but now, he just takes Ted’s word for it. The Beverly Brothers are working better as a team, until a miscue leads one to hit the other and Dibiase rolls up one of them to win. 

Winners: Money Inc. in 10:56Incredibly dull. Two heel tag teams that nobody likes and they actually tried to work tag formula, which failed hard. Terrible match. DUD.
Vince McMahon is in the ring to bring out the former WWF Champion, Bret Hart. Bret says that he was the underdog at WrestleMania and he’s been one before so it didn’t bother him. He claims that he’s not done because he’s lost titles before and come back, which he will do once again. Bret says the number one guy on his hit list is the Narcissist though I don’t think this feud went anywhere.

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Phil ApolloDespite Phil Apollo applying a headlock early, Bigelow wastes no time in taking down Apollo. He misses a splash, but as Apollo tries a dropkick he just swats him like a fly. As Bigelow beats him down, Doink is out to mess with fans. Bigelow does more offense, but seems to just be killing time. He hits the diving headbutt and this is over.

Winner: Bam Bam Bigelow in 4:40An extended squash. Bigelow was killing time. SQUASH.
Because he’s a heel, Bigelow nails his finisher one more time on poor Phil Apollo. Friar Ferguson walks out to the ring and checks on Apollo. He tells Bigelow not to attack anymore. He gets in Bigelow’s face and this show really just ended with fucking Friar Ferguson.

Overall: 3/10; Poor. Man, these post WrestleMania Raws have been a rough watch. At least this one had Bret Hart and we got wins for guys who need it like Razor Ramon and Bigelow. That tag team match sucked hard and killed my interest. If that wasn’t enough, Friar Ferguson is a focal point again, making me even more disappointed.

Raw History
Episode #14
April 19th, 1993 – Manhattan Center in Manhattan, New York

Vince McMahon, Macho Man and FUCK YES, Bobby Heenan are the commentary team tonight. They hype up a big match between Lex Luger and Crush tonight.

Damian Demento vs. Mr. PerfectYes, Damian Demento is still billed from “the Outer Reaches of your Mind.” I guess his WWF paychecks weren’t enough for him to move yet. His haircut is dreadful too, so he hasn’t been spending his money there either. Some leap frogs from Perfect and a dropkick forced Damian to regroup and talk to himself outside. Perfect gets knocked outside shortly after and takes out a cameraman by accident. Demento is getting in way more offense than I expected. I always just knew him as the guy Undertaker beat in the first Raw main event, but I’m surprised that he’s still around. Time for Perfect to get in his offense, with a high knee and his neck snap. He gets his knees up on a Demento splash and wins with the Perfect Plex.

Winner: Mr. Perfect in 4:56Solid little opener. In no way was this a great match, but Damian Demento looked decent and Mr. Perfect got in all of his signature stuff. **
Commentary informs us that Mr. Perfect is heading towards a WWF Intercontinental Title shot. I had no clue. We move to a clip of a kid who won an essay contest or something. She reads her essay, saying there’s no hope with dope. I had no idea where this was going until the FUCKING Undertaker randomly appears and says “there’s no hope with dope.” I nearly burst out laughing.

Bobby Heenan claims that he has it on good authority that a couple in the crowd is going to get engaged tonight, but he will make sure the girl says no.

Crush vs. The NarcissistVince McMahon tells us about the DREADED metal plate in Lex Luger’s forearm. Crush has, quite possibly, the greatest/worst mullet in history. I don’t expect a clean finish as both guys are relative stars during this time period. After Crush overpowers Luger, which he’s not used to, the woman who is going to be proposed to is shown. There’s another ugly woman behind her and Vince asks Bobby which is which, leading him to respond with “BOTH. SHE’S TWO HEADED.” I love the Brain. A test of strength ends when Crush gorilla press slams Luger. The crowd is hype for this, brudda. Vince tries to tell us that we can see the protrusion of Luger’s metal plate. Sure. We go to commercial and Crush is still kicking ass, with a belly to belly suplex. Luger does knock Crush outside and drives his back into the ring post. Inside, Luger gets two with a powerslam. This has been better than I expected. Crush comes back with a series of suplexes before applying the Coconut or Kona Crush or whatever it’s called. Luger is fading quickly but when Doink appears in the rafters, Crush stupidly breaks the hold. BUT WAIT! There’s two Doinks in the rafters! Luger levels Crush with an elbow that takes him outside and he’s counted out.

Winner via countout: The Narcissist in 10:47That was much better than I expected. Crush looked better than he usually does and I can’t remember any good Lex Luger matches, so this surprised me. **¾
An ad appears for King of the Ring, which I’m looking forward to getting to. Qualifying matches being on Superstars next weekend as Mr. Perfect takes on Doink on Superstars and Bob Backlund faces Lex Luger on Wrestling Challenge.

Mr. Hughes vs. Jason KnightOh crap. It’s the “sexiest man alive” Jason from ECW fame. Mr. Hughes drops him like a bad habit instantly. In the middle of the match, Bobby Heenan is actually flipping through channels. He laughs at the Braves before catching the “Baby Got Back” video and his reaction is great. Almost anything is better than a Mr. Hughes match. The squash is over with a slam.

Winner: Mr. Hughes in 2:08
Totally one sided. SQUASH 
A vignette airs for the Smoking Guns because they’ll be debuting soon. Cut to Vince McMahon in the ring as he introduces the WWF Intercontinental Champion, Shawn Michaels. He badmouths New York City and Vince McMahon talks about “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan wanting a title shot. “Shawn is gay” chants bust out which shocked me for 1993. They bring up Lex Luger brawling with Mr. Perfect backstage at WrestleMania IX, which reminds me of why Perfect has a title shot coming. Shawn messes up a Sesame Street joke and Mr. Perfect shows up for a fight, but referees are holding him back. Shawn gets in a cheap shot and runs as Perfect gives chase.

We are taken to clips from Superstars where Bam Bam Bigelow was bullying Sherri until Tatanka came out and dropkicked him. Tatanka then came out to wrestle his match but was attacked and knocked unconscious by Bigelow, who then cut some of Tatanka’s trademark hair.

Typhoon vs. Von KrusThis is seriously going on last? Von Krus hammers away at the start, but it has no effect. Jim Duggan calls in because he gets an Intercontinental Title shot next week. It is his first shot at a title. Von Krus is actually getting some offense in. Typhoon splashes him to end this.

Winner: Typhoon in 2:37Despite Von Krus doing some stuff, this was a squash. SQUASH 
Bobby Heenan gets up and goes to the couple he’s been talking about all night. The man asks and Bobby Heenan nearly ruins it by being rather funny. She says yes and cries as we go to commercial.

Overall: 6/10; Average. The first show in a while that I enjoyed but it should have been structured better. Mr. Perfect’s win opening was great, but Crush/Luger should have gone on last. It was a good match and featured two big stars. Instead, we get to useless squashes the rest of the way. Or at least end the show with the Shawn Michaels interview, which at least built towards Shawn’s defense next week and his eventual clash with Mr. Perfect.